alyssa-leigh

 breakfast- 200 cals

DONE FOR THE DAY :)

Yesterday was a binge and purge day
god i feel fat
It is 2:16pm and I am done eating for the day and am sitting at 578 cals. not bad
i'm about to head off to work so i'll keep busy there
I just wish I had a little more willpower
and wasn't so fat
i can feel it everywhere and it makes me want to throw up or cry or both
I hate my body
sometimes I just want to sew my mouth shut or something. prevent myself from eating.

sometimes i wish i could just eat normal
not think about calories or scales or fat or weight
sometimes i wish i could smile and go out to eat with my friends with out worry
or not spend my time bent over a toilet, fingers down my throat attempting to throw up every last calorie
but then i remember the number on the scale
and couldn't stand to watch it increase
then i remember the feeling of my bones beneath my skin
and the joy of getting to my goal weight
sometimes i remember the hunger and the want and the need
but then i look at myself in the mirror
and remember its all worth it

 Okay
So today was pretty good
Near the end alot of binge purge happened but in the end i think i was at about 600 cals
which isn't great by any means
but good considering how i've been doing lately

We're taking my friend out to dinner tommorow so my plan is not to eat until then so i can eat a little and they won't start bitching and looking at me all worried like they always do. god i hate those looks and how i just know they are watching me.

What i'll probably do is chew & spit. Which I KNOW is not good for you. but desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

I finally feel as if I am getting back on track. oh yeah. :)

love.

My friend made me go out for lunch with her after our little study session. There goes my plan to fast today
 
Subway Veggie Delite Sub: 300 cals
Subway Cookie (why did I have to eat that stupid cookie): 210

Total: 510 cals 

its 5:15pm and I have the entire night ahead of me. Plus I rented a movie so I know I am going to end up looking for something to munch on during that. I hate not having anything to do.

I hate always being hungry

 I am such a failure
I have been eating normally for the past two weeks or so and gained back EVERY SINGLE pound i lost 
I am so angry I don't know if I should scream or start crying

BUT TODAY IS ANOTHER DAY

My boy comes back from vacation in 6 days and I refuse to let him see me like this. FAT AND DISGUSTING
SO...
I am about to venture on a six day fast

tea.water.veggies.fruit.sugarfree redbull. diet coke

thats it until he gets back
I NEED TO GET MY WILLPOWER BACK

i know i can do this

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

thats all i can feel
all over my body

fast tommorow. i have tons to do so hopefully that'll keep me going. Then restrict friday and saturday and sunday. Fast monday-wednesday.
Oh god.
I need to loose weight or I will feel more awful then i do now
everytime i look at a mirror or see my stomach i want to puke
I actually gag

So this weekend was a total bust. 
Semi is this friday
I basically am not going to eat until then. No matter how hungry I am
I am going to go the gym tonight i think, distract myself. 
No day is going to be over 300 cals  (which I wil burn off at the gym)
I actually am just disgusted with myself right now. 

Okay here goes a week of starvation and restriction
will power, baby

 Okay so I did a 2 Day fast 
and then didn't binge yesterday...but ate normally and so now i feel disgusting
But today is another day
I am not going to fast because after day 2 i wind up binging
serious restriction
like 300 cals MAX
so basically i am going to eat dinner
which will get my parents of my case since I don't see them any other time in the day. 
My dad flat out asked me if I had an eating disorder...
I just laughed it off and was like "no.."
think he bought it?
I was also referred to "Hope's Garden" which is the eating disorder clinic in my area
whatever. at least its working. i mean, people are noticing.
I write down my calorie intake in a notebook and yesterday my mom came home early and i was in my room realizing it was still on my kitchen counter
Fuck! 
So i booted it into the kitchen before she could see it
thank god, that would have been a disaster in a half
I would have been shipped over to Hope's no questions asked
oh well
GYM TODAY :)
I am going to try and burn off 400 cals
that will take care of dinner

well...I'm off to make myself some tea before school 
HAVE A GOOD DAY ! 

nothing tastes as good as thin feels :)

 She loves me
She hates me
I am her best friend
Her worst enemy
I own her 
Control her
She lives to please me
She cries to me
I will push her down
Pick her up
I will help her destroy herself
I am her murderer
I am her scale

Alright...
since I hardcore binged this weekend (I didn't eat too much but drank quite a few alcoholic beverages :P) 
I am starting another 3 day fast. 
I will have a banana or apple in the morning to kick start the matabolism but thats it. 
and pleanty of water. 
I have 5 more pounds before I reach my first goal weight and I want to loose it by Febuary 29th so I will look FABULOUS at semi formal. 

I met a boy. 
who really likes my stomach and is constantly touching it
the first time he did it I almost had a panic attack
All I could imagine is him being disgusted by the fat
but then I could feel his hands on my ribs (which are beginning to show themselves :D) 
and felt better
so he is just another inspiration to loose more weight

I just purged for the first time...ever
sickenly enough i felt good afterward
it was as if I had accomplished something. Which i did kinda considering I've been attempting to purge for a while now. 
well now I know I can do it. 
: ) 

ANOTHER FAST STARTS TOMMOROW
this time around I'll be stronger

Okay
So today and tommorow are going to go to shit
and i'm going to let them. because i'm weak
Its just that its valentines day today and then tommorow is a v-day party 
I won't over do it though, I promise

Saturday I am going to the gym!
And I will fast Saturday and Sunday and maybe Monday
then seriously restrict

(L)

Day 4 ended with a bowl of rice and veggies. Oh fuck.

but the rest of it went really well
I didn't have anything except a small coffee in the morning. 
Then I went to the gym and worked off roughly 300 cals (I didn't have much time) and walked around downtown
Then I spent 4 hours running after customers
Now I am going to bed, but first my 100 sit ups. 
Tommorow I'm going to ease into maybe 200 cals and then do 2468 
Friday is going to be really hard because I am going to a party which means alcohol which means high calories. Fuck.
No matter how hung over I am on Saturday I WILL go to the gym to work off the consequences of Friday. 
15 DAYS UNTIL SEMI-FORMAL
which means 15 DAYS to reach my first goal weight
lets hope I can do it

I'm just happy I am done fasting for now. I hate it. But it is a must because of the results. 

GoodNight Ladies and Gents
and Happy VDAY (I'm going to do my best not to binge)

(L)

 

 I'm feeling really good even though I had some rice/veggies today. not too much though 
I was feeling super weak after two days so it had to be done. 
This is my plan for the next few weeks
2 day fast 1 day major restriction 2 day fast 1 day major restriction and so on and so forth.
but i'm so proud. 3 days and i lost 5 pounds!
I'm going to the gym tommorow before work and then work for 4 hours (running around after customers should burn of cals)
:) :) 

YES YES YES

the first official day (yesterday i didn't eat a thing and then i was force fed chinease rice and veggies) of my fast!
it went so well i surprised myself
i didn't eat a thing except coffee in the morning (to tame the stomach growls in class)
Also I worked for 6 hours which meant 6 hours of cleaning up the store and running around after customers so calories were burnt there. and i chose to walk home in the ice age that is Canada right now (20 miniutes) which are more calories
I am finally feeling good and starting to think I may be able to reach my first goal weight by semi formal :) :)
so I'm thinking two more days then hardcore restrict then maybe another fast. 

i think i can i think i can i think i can 
 

 
this is what i want

alright so its the end of DAY 1 of the fast
i didn't do as well as i hoped considering my family ordered in and i was forced to sit down and eat chinease with them
THANK GOD I am the only vegetarian in the family so was ordered my own meal. all i hade was rice and veggies.

2 pickles-3 calories
6 slices of cucumber-5 calories
brown rice and veggies-??
5 hershey kiss (...i gave into temptation) 

I want to purge but my parents almost caught me the other night so I don't think I'll risk it
tommorow is another day
and believe me, tommorow i'll do better

weekends are always so hard especially a sunday when I have nothing going on 
tommorow its school then work til 10 so I will have no chance to eat :D
tuesday is busy too and wednesday i work again : )

 so far so good.

today i've had 
2 pickles : 3 calories
6 slices of cucumber: 5 calories
and lots of water!

total: 8 calories : )

I also power cleaned my room and plan on doing sit ups later

hopefully i am done for the day...its 2:30 and I have a writer's craft assignment to work on. I should be able to keep busy
I'm already feeling weak though, not a good sign.

oh well...yay me!